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The interpreter signs, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”
Ask For Raise
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
A real-estate agent, had difficulty getting a listing from a customer whose theory was that "there is no substitute for experience." After he asked her a third time how many years she had been in the business, she told him: "Sir, there is a little-known historical fact that Moses brought three tablets down from the mountain-two were the Ten Commandments and the other was my real-estate license!" She got the listing.
When a real-estate agency hadn’t sold our house, we decided to do it ourselves. I placed ads in the local papers, spray painted a "For Sale" message on a sign board and posted it outside.
When my husband came home that evening, he told me, laughing, that my sign was the most truthful one he had ever seen. Confused, I rushed outside to take a look. In my haste I had printed – "For Sale by Ower."
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!"
Well, You’ll love this one!!
I noticed his DDS Diploma, which bore his first name.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!”
At the Bar
Do you serve ladies at this bar?
No, sir, you have to supply your own.
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated. A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I’m sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
Next Time, Let’s Stay in a Hotel
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can’t leave," the doctor says. "But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you’re gonna die."
The Tea Party
To all the Parents and Grandparents out there !!!!
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of “tea” which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, “Just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?”
Saying Goodbye to Mother
You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don’t even have to like ‘em!
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’
‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!
The man replied, “Oh no. That couldn’t be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie.”
“How To Sell”
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
“Fridge for sale $50.”
The next day someone stole it.
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he‘d left the light on in the shed.
George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?“ and George said no and explained the situation.
Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,“ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don‘t have to worry about them now because I‘ve just shot them all.“
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you‘d shot them!“
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!“
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
“It’s a period,” reported Johnnie.
“Well I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door wanted to shoot himself.”
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
In fact, he just walked in the front door.”
*** Relationships ***
He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
** The Obedient Wife’ **
* Farmer Joe’ *
Here’s The Surrogate!
On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon”
Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good. I’ve made a speciality of babies”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results”
“My, that’s a lot of…..” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.
“This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London”
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said, “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um……equipment?”
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so we can get to work.”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?
……. Good Lord, she’s fainted!
Entertainment at the Senior Center
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“SHIT!”, said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center
Sleepless Saving Time
Twice a year, we change the clocks for daylight-savings time. And twice a year, my normally punctual assistant arrives late to work the Monday after we do so. I finally had to find out why. “Do you have a problem remembering to spring forward or fall back?” I asked. “Oh, no,” she said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “What gets to me is staying up until 2 a.m. to change my clock.”
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: “First Question: Which tire was flat?”
Spring Break Humor
Spring break—that’s when:
• kids work on their tans and teachers work on their sanity.
• kids go wild someplace other than school.
• the only thing kids study is each other.
The college kids call it spring “break.” Their parents, however, call it spring “broke.”
Spring break is when teenagers give their swimsuits a dry run.
They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!”
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”
“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!” “And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said. “And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?” The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again!
You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond,
I only came to feed my alligators.” Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
“I’m the Boss!”
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . .
In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both..
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his IPod.
Are Ya OK Now? – No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
The Meaning of Dreams
“You’ll know tonight.” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–to find a book entitled, “The meaning of dreams.”
“Check Out a Romance”
Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,
“Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?”
Girlfriend’s Valentine’s Get-away
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway for Valentines Day.
Shopping, casinos, massages, facials… Two days before the group is to leave,
Mary’s husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn’t going.
Mary’s friends are very upset that she can’t go, but what can they do.
a glass of wine. “Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband
into letting you go?”
and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who’?”
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and
lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and
rose petals all over … On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes!
He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said,
“Now, you can do whatever you want …”
Middle of the night
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”
Out – Smarted
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed…
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
A blonde lady decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. “Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.
If you are 40, or older, you Might think this is hilarious!
When they were growing up; what with walking ten miles to school every morning … Uphill …
Barefoot … Both ways… yadda, yadda, yadda!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
His Mom goes in to check on him. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.
About every few seconds or so he put the book down and grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and
hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
Billy says “I haven’t gone yet”.
Mom says: “Ok, you can stay a little while longer.
“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
“Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?”
“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”
“Do you know Sam Cohen?”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“Did he donate $25,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?”
The Amish and the Elevator
An Amish boy and his parents were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new
apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially
amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
Called A Motel
When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. “Do you take children?” the man asked.
“No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”
Letter from a Farm Kid
(Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay… practically nothing. Men got to shave but it’s not so bad… there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you ’til noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Best Deal in TOWN:
One Sunday afternoon a couple sees an ad in the paper. They can’t believe their eyes. There is a house in the paper for $1000 that is in the nicest part of town. We are talking about a Highland Park mansion for $1000. They think this has to be a misprint, but decide to call anyway.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
Why after nine children would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that he had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States is Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance of having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
A good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a
devoted couple she would grant each of them a wish.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands.
Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!
The Art Collector
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer,
“I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”
Little Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas!”
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their preacher to stand with them.
deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know,
Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it,
but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
Glad it’s Not Me
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I’d love to be six again,” she replied. On the morning of her
birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to
a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in
the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear,
everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of
the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a
Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then, it was off to a movie – the latest Disney and what a fabulous
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?” One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.
“The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is
actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked,
“How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming
at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered,
Humor: Workout Plan For Those Over 50 Years Old
Ok… First before I talk about my phone, myself & my Family…
I want to remind you that my wife and I are Realtors in San Antonio
and will be very helpful to those Buyers and Sellers that you refer
to us @ firstname.lastname@example.org
A few years ago we did not own cell phones.
In fact 2 years ago we never had done a cell phone text.
Today most of our client communication is cell “texting”.
I don’t know if cell phones give you brain tumors or not,
but they sure do make you stupid.
downtown while talking on my cell phone, telling my wife
about deals compared to a couple years ago …
when I felt my right front pocket and exclaimed,
“I can’t find my cell phone.” I franticly searched my other
pockets all the while explaining to my wife that I was afraid
I had lost my cell phone.
“Honey, how do you think we’re communicating right now?”
phones have become.
phone for at least 10 years might increase their risk of developing
a common condition known as “broke”, as in —
I ain’t got no money for this month’s phone bill.
“this number is temporarily out of service”
The lady robot-voice might as well say, “Your friend is temporarily
broke and until he pays his bill he ain’t talking to nobody.”
phones are hazardous to our health. I’ve found it depends on
where you are, how loud and annoying you are on your phone.
For example in a Church is a no no.
We were attending church in our community. It was common for the
preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a
small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item
they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector.
He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm
sounded from the smoke detector.
My daughter (she’s 5) immediately raised her hand and said,
“It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
and noticed that everybody was staring at me….
There was a little “incident” at your house today while you were gone. Please allow me to explain: I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the smoke detector going off so I ran into the kitchen and checked everything out. By the time I got to the kitchen, the beeping had stopped and I couldn’t smell any smoke.
I paused the movie, ran out to the kitchen, unhooked the detector, and went back to the movie.
Now I was fuming. I listened to that “beep” about three more times, then I finally got a hammer and pounded the ever-loving crap out of your stupid smoke detector on the counter (while I was pounding I heard “beep”). It was really getting me mad.
I sat back down and resumed the movie and sure enough “beep”. I had the wire cutters in my hand and I went out (curious to see what the hell could still be running it) and cut all the little parts into pieces, and put half into a little plastic container and left half on the counter. I took half the parts over to the living room thinking if it beeps I know it’s these, and half the parts I left on the counter knowing it would be them.
Not even thirty seconds later, the parts I just had, now on the counter in the kitchen beeped. I was furious. I thought to myself, (his smoke detector is possessed). I brought all the parts into the living room and laid them out on the coffee table. I was staring at them, just waiting for one of them to beep so I could smash the crap out of it.
I just waited, and waited. It seemed like hours but was really only 30 seconds later, when I heard the mystifying “beep” coming from your jacket. I looked in the jacket and it was your beeper that you had left at home by accident.
All I could do was take my hammer and beat the ever-loving crap out of your beeper because I was the one who paged you.
I am Sorry!
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife,
‘Mother of Six’, in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home,
and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouted back,
“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”
Inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His Father said he’d make a deal with his son.
Your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.”
settle for the offer and they agreed on it
You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have
Been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t gotten your Hair cut.”
I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the
Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses
had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long Hair.
Because they can understand them.
Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain:
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.
A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl’.
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.’
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
‘What’d you get?’
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, “I apologize for crying so much. I’m usually not such a big boob.”
The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
A woman went to doctors the office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.